Friday, May 18, 2012



People ask me all the time about what they can do to help. "Keep your eyes open when you’re out at night drinking". Seriously. If you see a chick having a couple of drinks and just having fun, and suddenly turn to shit faced, overly sexual, then throw up, get her out of there. You might even have a confrontation with a male trying to keep her there saying she is fine. She's not. Vomit on, game off. Get her into an ambulance. These are the signs of someone being drugged and if it was you or someone you care about, you would want them to step in and help you.

So what does a crazed girl do when Twitter suspends her account and won't respond to the emails begging and pleading to have it unfrozen that they require? Find a phone number to reach them at. They don't have a support phone number, but you can dial an extension to reach the party you are looking for. I just start punching in numbers and leaving messages at voice mails. I explain how I was raped February 22nd and I need help making sure I get justice. I can't get that help because my account is suspended from me following too many people. I thought the point of social media was to help other people who have similar feelings about the situation. So if I follow people in an anti rape group, I get shut down instead of getting help.

Why would I need help? Well, two reasons. Yes, I have done a lot to help my own case as well as your help for the phone calls, but I am concerned what Naylor will be sentenced to. There is a strong possibility that if this is his first offense in this state, not including offenses in any other states, then his three year sentence will be suspended and he will get rehab. That's all he could potentially get. Fucking rehab. He would be allowed to walk the streets and hurt anyone while he is serving his "sentence". Depending on how the meeting with the DA goes, I will probably make an online petition asking for two things to petition the court with. One, please make sure Naylor is not allowed to have his sentence suspended for rehab, and secondly, please sentence him to thirteen years. My hope is that if this goes thru, then other rape victims can do the same, and hopefully less rapists will get rehab and more will get prison time. Change will have to start somewhere, and I figure since I have already put this journal out there, why not let it be me that helps this change happen. I can't ask it of anyone else going thru this.

Also, I want to make sure Ed faces his day in court too for his part in this. I know I still can't say what Naylor confessed to in the pre text phone call but I can tell you thru all of this I have found out how everything I thought I knew about him was a lie.

When I was trying to get the first restraining order in place I went to the court clerk hall of records. I'm pretty sure any town will have one if there is a court house. This is where all the files are stored from court cases but it's really basic stuff. It's not the transcripts, but it is useful information about the code the person was charged with, their name, and as long as the case wasn't moved to another county for trial (also another move on a defense attorneys part to help dangerous people walk), then you can find out the out come of the case as well.

The code is something you will have to research in your state but you can always go into the neighborhood precinct and ask them what it is.
You know what I found out about Ed? That everything was a lie. His full name is a lie (he probably changed his middle name to help hide his convictions), his age is a lie (he's almost 50), and he has been incarcerated twice. For eight years this guy has been lying. One of the arrests he slightly talked about, but said he was arrested for drunk in public, and spent a night in the drunk tank. Nope, he did go to jail in the place he mentioned, but it was for stealing a car.
It's not so shocking when you find out a person has lied to you about everything. It also means he has two felonies which might explain why he lied to cover up his part in my rape.
If he messed with an investigation, he will probably go back to prison. I wonder if he would go to the same prison as Naylor. I hope so.

Court is tomorrow for the second restraining order. Hopefully my twitter account will be unfrozen by then and I can let the world know the out come. Yeah, I'm scared. I know the bullying has stopped and that is a big relief. I just hope there is enough evidence to keep the order in place. I think there will be since Ed went against the judges very specific order to leave me the hell alone. I have to know that no matter what the out come, I will continue to fight. I have the meeting with the DA to look forward to, but honestly I wish I could fast forward to tomorrow morning and already know the out come. God give me strength and courage to get thru tomorrow, and the blessings of keeping the restraining order in place. Amen.

Court was today. The restraining order didn't stand, but I left smiling anyway. The judge said he would need more proof that Ed did these things, but that I was "this" close to getting a restraining order and pinched his finger and thumb together. Sort of a "I wish a mutha fucka would" kinda attitude. The judge said he is absolutely sure he would see us again soon, and that the order would then be granted. Like he is guaranteeing Ed doing something stupid to push the line drawn in the sand.  Ed turned pale white when I told the judge he was an accomplice in the case. Ed tried to argue he was a witness, to which I cleared the air and said, nope, an accomplice. The color drained out of his face. After all of this Ed tried to the ask the judge for free legal advice. That made a lot of people giggle in the courtroom.
A came with me again and she said she was pretty happy about the out come too. She said a female lawyer was sitting next to her and that when I started openly discussing my ongoing rape investigation and all the retaliation I received for it, the lawyer kept looking at her and me in shock. That the shock seemed to turn into a kind of awe. It feels good to hear it because you have no idea what's going on behind you when you’re sitting at a table in front of a judge. It’s so minimal and focused from my point of view. I was shaking so bad. Mostly out of anger. I didn't want to sound crazy and out of control. I wanted to be calm and precise when I told the judge everything. I didn't know what I looked like to the people behind me, but I did feel a slight freeze when I said I had been raped. It's not often you will hear a woman say it and yes, it is hard to say in a courtroom, but surprisingly once you do it's quickly followed by rage. The anger that burns in your heart is so big, you think the whole courtroom might be blinded by it. A burning heart. That's what it feels like for me to say I have been raped in court and face one of the men responsible. Like the fire of my pain is a fissure from the break in my heart, and it's cauterizing itself shut like lava hitting the ocean so it can really heal. I hope the brightness blinded Ed and he will truly understand where he is headed shortly in this life. This whole thing does make me wonder why a criminal protective order isn't put in place at the beginning of a rape investigation instead of waiting for charges to be filed. A victim should automatically have a criminal restraining order in place against all suspects thru the whole process. To make us wait so long leaves us to feel even more vulnerable. And if you think someone is really lying, then it's dissolved when the investigation is done. If not, then it stands for years, even while the bastard is doing his rehab.

You know what really sucks in all of this? Not the rape, or the bullying, or the intimidation. Not my car window or the suicide attempt. The worst thing in all of this is the betrayal of someone I thought was a friend. Someone who's back I always had thru all personal problems. Relationships, job problems, anything. No matter if he was wrong about what he was fighting for, I still had his back and supported him. My mother even loaned him money once. His betrayal was the worst part. That he sided with my rapist. I don't know why Ed would think a drug using rapist would show him any loyalty. He threw Ed under the bus from day one. Ed traded off eight years of friendship for a drug hook up with a rapist. That's how much my friend ship really meant to him. That he decided to protect my rapist over me. Even if it was 24 karat gold blended cocaine, how do you live with yourself after that? How do you get out of bed every day lying to yourself and knowing what you did? How could you sell out a friend of eight years? That's the part that really stings. The knowledge of what happened that night breaks my heart. But my heart will heal and go on. Eventually, you will burn yourself on your lies and have to face your pathetic existence. And when you do, I hope it is quickly followed by the sound of handcuffs. Then I will never even think about you again.

Yeah, all of this is hard but I think the reason why I'm ok with not getting the restraining order is a simple one. I survived because I had to, I fight because I want to. I know I could lie and say he walked by my door and said I am going to kill you. I know he skates around it with his new friends when they talked about "what a bitch like that gets, she gets what she deserves". I know I could have a restraining order in place at the snap of a finger if I say he said those words, but I won't do it. If I lie once, everything I say will be deemed a lie. That's what Ed and the bad detectives and Naylor are accusing me of. Being a liar. I'm not one and I'm not about to trade in everything I have fought so hard for just to have one restraining order and loose everything else. It's not worth it. I know the way I am choosing takes a lot longer to get justice, than just letting people beat the crap out of Ed and Naylor, and forgetting the detectives even exist. If I choose the quick and dirty way, what does that do for any other victim who doesn't have anyone to help them?

Law basics 101. There are two kinds of law. Criminal or civil. That's your only two choices. Civil is when you say someone did you wrong, and you want to take them before a judge. There will be no jail time with a civil suit. It's only for recouping a financial loss. You can have a lawyer you pay for privately, and so can the person you are suing.
Criminal is the type of case I have. I made a report to the police and based on that, there is evidence a law has been broken. I'm not even the one pressing charges against my rapist, the state is. I'm not even considered a victim anymore, I'm the main witness to the crime. It's not a personal thing to no longer call me a victim. Calling me a witness doesn't lessen the crime. Remember, this part is legal so it is devoid of emotion. Was a law broken, and can it be proved beyond a shadow of doubt that it happened? I find that interesting terminology. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. How poetic for something devoid of emotion. The DA is my attorney and Naylor can hire a defense attorney, or one will be appointed to him. I won't have one unless I decide to sue him civilly. I haven't decided yet since I'm honestly just trying to focus on getting thru this part of the criminal trial and getting this journal out there to help rape victims. I finally have my interview with the DA tomorrow.
Just because I have the interview doesn't even mean they will take the case. They will hear my side of the story and determine if there is enough evidence to cast doubt from a jurors mind that he is innocent. I already know I will insist on taking the stand. I have already heard enough personal experiences from rape victims who got a trial that the bastards got a suspended sentence and put on a sex offenders list. Yeah, thats all. Some because the victim chose to not take the stand, and it's not as strong a case, or it was a first offense. Some get rehab, some don't. I don't understand if someone is guilty beyond a shadow of a doubt, why they are not sitting in a prison cell. One of the victims I talked to was beaten. He walked. Why do we allow this to happen?
I think there should be harsher sentences for rapists beyond a shadow of a doubt. I think we need to grow a set and bar judgments of suspending sentences of rapists. Child rapists walk for the same reasons. Enough should be enough. If you are guilty, the first time is five years, the second thirteen, and the third offense twenty. No more suspended sentences.
I do think we should hang on to statutory rape. I don't think a man who hasn't committed rape should be in prison because a girls father doesn't like the boyfriend, and takes advantage of a years difference in age. This only means more people falsely crying rape. I don't come to your town and point a finger at you and say "murderer" do I? How would you like it if I did and suddenly no one will talk to you or even look at you? How would you like getting dragged into interrogation rooms for a murder that never even happened?  So stop with the false rape shit already.

Today was the interview with the DA. I took the metro to downtown. I was still in a funk from yesterday at work and barely slept. I was one stop away from mine, when a guy on the train put on a mask and got off. I froze. He walked by the train car and didn't make eye contact with me. I got off at the next station and told a janitor and a mechanic and supervisor. I hope to God he was stopped and a woman will walk to work today with no idea she was almost in my place. One metro stop away from a DAs office waiting to find out about putting away her rapist.

I meet my advocate out front. We go in and meet up with Det. P. The DA won't take my case. He fully believes that I was raped. It's not about belief, it's about enough evidence to get a conviction. He doesn't doubt I was drugged, but my reaction to the drug doesn't match the typical GHB. He asks me about Ed and the things he said to me that caused me to know something was up. About how I came to with the taste of vomit and cum in my mouth, but there was no vomit in the toilet. I didn't remember taking out my contacts.
The DA tells me he has had rapists on tape admitting to drugging, and jurors have still squirmed at putting them away. I won’t tell you what this rapist did to his victim, but the rapist said it was all consensual, and he left because he had to go pick up his kids from school. You’re a sick bastard for what you did to her. It's too difficult to get a conviction with out multiple victims. Even for the woman this rapist drugged and attacked. I can guarantee no one would consent to what he did to her. He walked, and is still out, probably picking up his kids from school.
I was in shut down and crying mode before the meeting was over. I went thru all this for nothing. I know, I know. I got this journal out there for people to know what really goes on every day to rape victims in hopes that maybe we can change at least something in this fucked up process. I know that two bad cops are under investigation for bullying me, and probably other victims, into dropping charges. I hope so.
It still isn't enough. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in one big loop of finger pointing in the other direction. And what can I do about it? Nothing. I can't force the DA to arrest him and press charges. This is so fucked up. It's the simple fact they are telling me that even though I know what he is doing, I have to wait for him to do it to someone else. I have to let happen what I am trying to prevent.
I went thru so much for nothing. I will have to walk past Ed and Naylor and they will smirk at me every time. I will have to wait for him to drug and rape another woman.
The DA says more people need to come forward to build up more cases, but coming forward doesn't do shit if there isn't already other victims who have. It's a big catch 22 and I'm right at the start.
The DA says he has watched rape trials involving children become messy because jurors finally confess to being raped themselves when they were little, and being in denial for thirty years. That jurors just don't like rape trials. They are scared they are going to mess up some poor innocent guys life cause that's exactly what the defense attorneys want you to believe. That a drunk whore like me was remorseful about having sex with a fine upstanding young man like Naylor, and I wanted revenge. Because fine upstanding young men like him can't possibly leave a scar on my ass from ripping my jeans off of me when I'm laying unconscious on my back, and digging his nails into my flesh to find later, like a sick calling card.

I leave and head to the metro. I shook my advocates hand and walked away knowing full well I will never see her again. There will never be a trial for her to sit next to me and hold my hand as Naylor is sentenced for what he did to me. She was trying to call out for me to come back and talk to her but I won't. I don't even look back. What for? Will the answer of how do I carry on with my life after this suddenly appear written in the sky? Of course not. I honestly don't have that answer after a humiliating defeat like this one. The only answer I know is to go home and drink. To take a bubble bath and let everyone know Naylor and Ed will walk.  Knowing they will see me and grin knowing they have gotten away with it. And neither of them will do time for it.
Like so many rapist do in this country because we are a rape friendly country. Rapists have us very well trained. It's the stigma associated with rape that they hide behind. It's that stigma that makes jurors want to not convict, it's that stigma that makes DAs not take the case, it's that stigma that allows legislation to let them get rehab instead of prison time. Because of the stigma I sat in a hospital waiting room for five hours while the precious evidence dissipates. It's why victims don't want to come forward. It's why we are made to feel shameful and isolated and alone. We do this because we are told it’s bad to talk about rape. You don't have to if you don't want to. It's best to just keep this sort of thing quiet. It's shocking to hear someone say it, and then the next response is because they are looking for attention. Am I looking for attention? In a way, yes. I want people to know what I have been thru so you will feel the same outrage I feel at knowing that today, another rapist got to walk free. My rapist.

I had originally written "the end" here.  How many times can I finish this journal? I know I had a bad reaction to what the DA said, but I need to realize he is right. I finally realized I'm not the worse possible out come in this. The woman who is the single victim and gets a trial and looses is the worse out come. My heart goes out to you that have had that happen. My God that must hurt. Not only will he never do time for raping you, the law will always consider him a non rapist until he does it someone else and they have to start the process all over. Sort of the same thing that happens because people don't come forward. The DA is right. As sickening as it is I have to wait for one more woman to be raped by Naylor and report it. He will rape again, that's what rapists do. The sickening fact is that I have to wait for him to do something I am trying to stop. If I was to get a trial and the jurors had enough doubt to find him not guilty, he would always walk and I would never get him behind bars. It's double jeopardy. My rape wouldn't even be admissible for any other rape trials against him.
I have to wait for him to rape again. But I'm still fighting. In the mean time I will fight to change legislation and hopefully get safe online pages or chat rooms for survivors of rape to openly talk about what happened to them. We have nothing like that now and is deplorable. Victims should have just as much help as rapists have access to attorneys. 

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