Friday, May 18, 2012



It’s hard to know where to start with something like this. Today was a hard day. In some ways, a new start. I woke up and knew I was going to have to walk back into that station. A little voice inside my head said it’s time to wake up and kick some detective ass. That by my just walking in there and the two detectives seeing me, was my way of kicking ass. They did not manage to bully me into dropping the charges, and now their bosses know the truth too.  I met my advocate outside the station. It’s voting day, so a lot of people are gathered around. I’m already crying before I get out of the car. I’m trying not to. I’m trying to remind myself it’s only a building and a new detective. I think it’s the fear of the unknown. I know all these detectives including the crappy ones have been doing this for years. I haven’t. I’m scared.

Det. P meets us in the lobby. I give the guy at the front desk the number to call to notify her that we are here. I’m starting to think the desk job here is a temporary one. Maybe some one should print out a list of the people working there and the extensions they are at. Just a thought.

Det. P leads my self and my awesome advocate to a little room. It’s the room next to where Det. T had me do my pre text phone call. Det. P makes a point of not locking the door. Thank God. She mentions having to be locked in there with suspects. Was Naylor in this room? At least she is armed, and I’m sure not scared to use a weapon. It’s the mental aspect of having to deal with these rapists that must be pretty hard. She can’t share a lot with me, but she does tell me my kit has already been started on. The DNA portion will take a little longer as the suspect is known. The suspect has already given his statement. He says it was all consensual.  Of course he does. The toxicology test is done. No drugs were found in my system. I’m already crying.

I know she is not saying I am mistaken, but it will be harder to get a conviction with out drug evidence. That no kit is left unprocessed for so long. That all kits have to be tested within a short window of being submitted. COTIS (the rapist database) is run once a week like clock work.  That there was nothing done in my original investigation she wouldn’t have done. “Would you have called me a liar?” I hissed back at that one.  I am in full shut down and angry mode. I don’t care what you say, they fucked up my original investigation because they were not impartial. They wanted to sand bag my case. “So what is going to happen to them?” She can only discuss the investigation of the rape. Another detective is coming in to talk to me about the administrative investigation for the bullying. I am asking what is going to happen to them because I am so fucking mad and I want some kind of justice somewhere. She isn’t saying a rape didn’t happen, and I think she does believe one did happen, but this is all based on evidence. What about finding out how he is getting these drugs? Not without evidence drugs were used. This is fucking ridiculous. It’s a big catch 22 of these asshole rapists running around thinking I got away with it because we can’t pull a search warrant without drugs you can’t find. He knew that from the beginning.
Well, we are pulling together a public service announcement and leafleting Hollywood. We can’t police all drug use. I’m so fucking angry. A fucking PSA and flyers. Great. Why don’t you just light some candles and do some fucking prayers while you’re at it. I know I can’t be angry that they are trying to do something. It just isn’t enough. I think the next time I hear someone complain that our rights are being infringed upon and that we have no privacy online is going to get punched in the face. A rapist can buy drugs online with the intent of using it to commit a crime and the cops are not allowed to track the purchases because of rights. You’re pathetic concerns about your Face book posts of big brother are bullshit and no one gives a fuck, so stop your fucking whining, because you are just not important enough to waste time on and be tracked. No one gives a fuck about you, and the non existent loss of your rights. Your rights are fully fucking intact. I promise. So are the rights of fucking predators. 
 I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m angry. I’m angry at everyone. I shouldn’t take it out on anyone. I am just so God damn frustrated and outraged. I don’t want you to police all drug use. There is a huge difference between a person choosing to do cocaine, and someone being drugged without their knowledge for the sole purpose of raping them to get away with it. Any drug user, or person living on the fringes of society, or any one who has ever smoked weed will know the difference in that. When does this change? When does purchasing of date rape drugs online get to be tracked?  They don’t want predators to be alerted to any police presence in bars, so they don’t do any real sting operations. Why? For drugs that aren’t even there? Might as well as go in singing show tunes because it doesn’t fucking matter. You in your own words are telling them that they are right. The drugs aren’t here because we can’t find them, so go on ahead and have fun. None of these rapes have occurred, even in the eyes of the police. Fuck you. Is this why those two tried to get me to drop the charges. Cause they feel their hands are tied and they gave up so just collect a paycheck and go home? Well too bad. Maybe, as the police, you start telling the law makers what’s up? Maybe you guys should be at the front line saying we should be able to track drug purchases of this nature online. That once a purchase is made, it is reasonable cause to track a predator for once. But they won’t. These rapists rights are safely tucked in, and no one is doing shit to protect the victims in this. Because we victims have less rights than the rapists. Because we are a rape friendly country.
In the eyes of the LAPD, I was not drugged. There is not enough evidence to support it. I have to wait on the DA to review my case and the crap pile of evidence they get to sift thru to make a determination if a rape happened either. So that’s where I am at with a rape investigation. It is in the hands of the DA, and the likely out come right now, is there will be no charges pressed. He will walk. I will see him and Ed in the streets and nothing will come of it until another rape happens, to which I can testify and hope that she has enough evidence against the two for charges to be pressed. That a victim is willing to come forward. Until then, they both will walk for what they have done thinking they have gotten away with it because they hide behind the laws of this country.          

No, I don’t feel like hurting myself. Am I getting a fair shake in this? Nope. Is there a detective bullying me? Nope. Not this time around. I’m not getting a fair shake because I was drugged with a drug that is undetectable. After the meeting with Det. P I am in full shut down mode. Hello again shock. Is it a good sign I can feel shock again? My advocate is rubbing my arm and telling me how proud she is that I am here doing this. I’m so angry, I could give two shits less. The tears are non stop. The next detective walks in. Det. S. I like her off the bat. It’s hard to express a connection with someone. Not like I don’t like Det. P, it’s just different. I know Det. P is trying to be as open with me as she can. I know she will tell me later on the phone she doesn’t take the anger personally. She has been doing this for too long. Det. S tells me she needs me to come back in to do an interview in regards to the bullying from the two detectives. She needs to review the whole case. She will need to hear in my own words what happened and it has to be recorded. That at the end I will be sent a letter that will give me a very basic description of the findings of the investigation.  I will never know if they are suspended, or fired, or nothing happens to them. I beg her to please not let them near another rape victim. That their bullying was so bad, the only way I could deal with it was to try and kill myself. I feel her tense at that one. That no one should have to feel like suicide is the only way out of this bullying. What I wouldn’t give for a twenty pound bag of gummy bears right now.

I bring up this journal. The only thing she can be concerned about is if the DA would advise I keep certain things out of this journal. That the whole public can read it and I need to keep that in mind. Don’t blast now what I might regret latter. I will never regret this journal, or sharing everything I am going thru. That’s the idea of it. And honestly I am not worried about rapists getting ideas from this journal. They already know most of this. It’s not their first rodeo. Also, there isn’t any information not available on a defense attorney’s website about what to look out for, like pre text phone calls. The only ones who don’t have access to this kind of information are the victims.  This journal is here for them and me. To have a place to vent, and to help other victims not feel so alone. That’s what rape does. It causes us to feel humiliation and to keep quiet about it. It makes us feel isolated. It gives the rapist the upper hand. 

Yes, I am already in the mode that this case is over with. Yes, I am frustrated and angry to have gone thru so much for an outcome of nothing. Well, you will always know what happened say the detectives and my advocate. That I will always know the truth that I was drugged and raped. Is that my consolation prize? Nothing we or you can do about it, so just walk it off? Keep your chin up and keep on walking. No justice for you today except maybe for some bad cops, but even that is iffy. I’m in shock the rest of the day. I walk down and vote and I am in shock. I pendulum between that and crying. Oh yeah, and anger. Honestly, I just want to cry in my bed and pretend like the whole world doesn’t exist. But tomorrow, I have to get up and go to work like nothing bad has happened.  I don’t even want to write in this journal anymore today. I don’t want to talk to family or friends and let them know the disappointing news. I just want everything to fuck off until I am ready to deal with it.

 Everything written after this I had written prior to the meeting this morning, but I know it’s important for everyone else to hear. I know I will be fine. I just don’t want to talk anymore right now so you can read the rest if you want. No, I don’t want you to try and make me feel better or keep me talking. I just want to be in my den of blankets. And now my earphones just went out. Great.
One thing that has been bugging me is not sharing what I did the week after the rape. I think with everything else going on, it got pushed to the back but as things are slowly changing, other things are coming up. The week after the rape when I was "out sick with the flu" was not pretty. I hit rock bottom. I was drinking excessive amounts of anything I could get my hands on, and for me to say it was excessive, it was. Probably closer to things like a half a bottle or more of vodka on a night, or more beers and shots than I can count. I went to one bar I used to frequent and miss. It's also a place Naylor goes to on certain nights. I'm starting to piece together his bar hoping schedule of every night of the week. Every night this guy is out at bars. I had gone up to this bar and gotten so wasted on shots and beers that I tripped getting off the bar stool and landed on my face. I had a bruise there for a couple of days. Other people in the bar laughed at me. I laughed at myself. I hated myself the first month after the rape. A guy who I know that also frequents the bar helped me home. I had sex with him. I shouldn't have done it, but I think it's a sexual reset button that is common among rape victims. That the last time I had sex was so violent and humiliating, it can't be the last time. It's a way of controlling your body by resetting it. The guy I had sex with is not a bad guy, and he wanted to pursue things further and go out on a date and stuff. I didn't. I know what I did was wrong by dragging him into my mess. I later told him the truth and apologized, but I know he wanted more than just a one night stand. I'm just not in that kind of head space right now. And he will always be the guy I reset myself to. It's not something I would want to base a relationship on. I felt bad not sharing this part of my life since I know that other survivors of rape will read this and hopefully feel they are not alone because they went wild after their rape. Not all victims do. Not all victims react to rape in the same way. I haven't had sex since that night. That's the way I have reacted. It's not that I don't ever want to again. I am a 35 year old woman. I'm in my sexual prime. I know I will when I want to. I just know I'm not ready for it right now. I have no idea what the experience will be like. Is it something I should tell my partner? I kinda feel torn about that. He should be warned in case I can't or it's difficult for me, but then I don't want to because I don't want my return to a healthy sex life to be tainted by the rape. That it should be free of having to drudge up the feelings of the rape before having sex again. I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I will say, if you notice someone acting bizarrely or differently or way crazier than normal, talk to them, press them to find out what is going on or why they are falling off the radar. If you can't get thru, talk to someone close to them to bring it up to the person you are concerned about. I can sincerely tell you that rape is a hard thing to share, but it's an even harder thing to keep to yourself. At some point, all rape victims will share what happened to them. The reaction of the person hearing it is important. Don't just grab me to hug me, I might not be ready yet for human contact. Don't tell me I'm wrong, or you can't believe it. Just say the words, this is not your fault, what can I do to help you with this? Some times you just want a person to listen, sometimes you want advice. Ask which one they want. Each victim is different. We do all need to feel supported. Don't share your personal interactions with rape yet. It is part of the healing process to know you are not alone, but right off the bat, it's about a horrible trauma I am trying to deal with. Not to sound like a jerk, but it's not about you right now, it's about me. Especially to the first people you tell. It's pretty easy to determine if it's the first time someone is telling or not, there is an unbelievable amount of sobbing or stone cold shock. Just let a victim know this is not their fault, they didn't do anything wrong, and could not have changed the outcome in any way. They are the victim of a predator who has probably done this to other victims. Is it ok for me to hold you or touch your shoulder or arm? You can feel free to cry on me if it is. Can I help you get to a rape treatment center, or a hospital, or the police? I know what you are hearing is shocking and makes you angry, but intense emotions just cause more fear in a rape victim. If I tell you, I need you to be strong for me. I know you are not a licensed psychologist, unless you happen to be a licensed sex trauma psychologist, but it would be pretty random to just find one of those on the street right after a rape. We need calm, but we need to know you support us and you are on our side. Honestly, once you get the victim to a rape center, or hospital, or the police, the victim will be taken care of by professionals.  And I hope better detectives than what I had. Your job is to help give them the temporary strength to get there. And if they are already in the system, then it's because I want you to know what I am going thru. That my processor is off line, and I need you to be patient and understanding with me. That there is a reason why I have been acting so differently lately.  Also, throwing in a "well if that piece of shit ever tries to walk in here, he is a dead man" will also help. It's good to know you won't go out of your way to harm them, but you will help keep me safe within certain boundaries and contexts. There is a difference. I can't explain it, but there is. To go after him is not what I want. Circling the wagons to keep me safe in the unlikely event he comes to harass me at work, or school, or church helps me to feel a relative safety and calm.

Twice now I have seen Ed on the street. Both times were with smirks on his face directed at me. I can't express the venom I hold for him. I can't because it's an ongoing investigation, he might still be in contact with Naylor, and most importantly it would be illegal for me to put on paper and publish what I hope happens to him, and what I would like to do to him.  There is a line between freedom of speech and threatening someone. Unless your cowardly enough to stand outside of their door at 2:30 in the morning and do it. Then it's just freedom of speech again.

I have noticed certain songs that I gravitate to during this whole process and in my healing. Or TV shows that I watch obsessively. Like SVU. Maybe it's to find some sort of connection to other victims or because I wish these actors were real and had been the ones working on my case. There are specific songs that just strike a cord and I listen to them over and over again. It's a place that only I can go into. It's safe and I can picture in my mind what ever I want to. Naylor rotting away in prison. Scared for his own safety day to day. Me flicking him off when his eyes meet mine just after the judge reads his sentence. Ed being dragged down the hallway in handcuffs for his part in all of this.  This place is mine. It's where I go to when I write this journal for myself and everyone reading it. There are certain songs I loop and just type away. I told my friend A that when a lot of stuff happens in a week, I have to write it out or it's like it gets constipated in my head. I press play for this one song and just type it all out. I have gotten to a place where I can look at other blogs about rape, and there are not many. I have noticed some but it seems to be more about the survivors aftermath. Trying to live day to day after even the court date. I'm not there yet. I know my story is different because of the added trauma of the police bullying me into dropping the charges. I sincerely hope this journal can help even just one more person deal with their rape or give them the courage to go forward with pressing charges.

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