Friday, May 18, 2012



Waiting....waiting....waiting...That's all I'm doing. That and having to fight my own brain.
I had a melt down at work. I don't know if I'm more pissed at myself for having the melt down or because it happened at work. Work was one of the few places I'm safe and can function normally. Yeah, people ask me about this journal and if it's true or not. I have to be completely open about it all because I put myself there. Honestly, I don't have a problem talking about it. I rather would when people ask me. It feels better to know I can be open about it, and more importantly, I know how you feel about it. I can't read minds. I have no idea if someone is uncomfortable, or ok with this journal. I just know I can only control myself in it. At least I thought so.

One of the owners of the studio had a showing of his work here. It took days to prep and his work is beautiful. I really like the owners and all the people I work with. Yeah, it's a studio so there is always some kind of drama, but over all, the people I work with are good people.
We have a freight elevator and the studio will do special "wraps" in it for events. I don't want to go into a lot of detail, but the wrap set off the alarm in my head. It made me feel trapped in a space with an overly sexual male presence even though this was absolutely not the intention of the images. At all. I have to identify problems and work my way thru them. I tried to with this, but I couldn't. I failed miserably and had a melt down. I couldn't get in the elevator with out my head spinning. I'm trying to tell my brain it's just an acrylic sticker stuck to metal, but my brain decided to keep over riding me and telling me it was a group of men surrounding me in a space I can't get out of. I lost the fight. I became overly aggressive and combative. I kept fighting back the tears. I was angry that no one else saw this or felt threatened. I was mad at myself for allowing this to happen over art work of someone I really respect. I don't want to ruin this for him. I tried to power thru. How am I going to power thru today, let alone the month this wrap will be in an elevator I have to use to work? Do I need to recognize a problem early on and try to find a new job so I'm not a burden to the studio? I know VOC will help me with training if I need a new job, but what the hell else would I do? Sit behind a desk in a cubicle and go insane that I'm not on a set watching talented hamburgers sizzle over an open grill that everyone will watch in a month or so?
Maybe I'm getting too far ahead of myself. I was an emotional wreck.
I know everyone started walking on egg shells because of me. I just wanted to go home and get the hell out of the way. Any little touch freaked me out. I was snarly and aggressive. I wanted to retreat to home as fast as possible. When I got home, I cried for four hours. I went to the liquor store and bought a small amount of booze just to help me stop crying. It was dark outside, but I wore my sunglasses. At the counter, I had to lift them up. "Are you sure you don't need the big bottle" asked the clerk. I know I looked like it. I had two drinks and finally calmed down. I slept for twelve hours. I couldn't bring myself to go to the show and had to miss what I'm sure was an amazing party. I didn't want to make a mess of things anymore. God I want my life back. I feel so ashamed, it's like my hearts burning.

It's July the 2nd and I can't take it anymore. I call Det. P to find out what's going on. That's so weird she tells me. She just got done reading the email from the DA wanting to know when I can come in for an interview with them. Like goosebump weird. Serendipity I call it and ask when. Oh I am so happy my heart is racing. Det. P has some training classes coming up so Tuesday the 10th, Wednesday the 11th, or Friday the 13th? My smile breaks bigger as I schedule my never thought it would happen but it finally did appointment with the DA on the 13th. Yeah, that's my lucky number.

So then I call the Sheriffs office. I am still waiting to get the proof in the mail that Ed was served the restraining order again. They just got this today, the 2nd, and tried to serve on the 21st of last month. Hmmm? You just got this, but tried to serve it two weeks ago the day after court? I now have five days to get it served before court. July 4th is a holiday, so it doesn't count. "What if I guarantee the secured entry is propped open because I might have a fed ex package coming in today, and that he got home late from work and is home now". The sheriffs can make no guarantee he will get served before the five days is up. I have to start planning everything. I will have to go to the sheriffs office Friday after work and pick up a copy of the proof of service (I'm really starting to hate that fucking piece of paper), and have it with me the day of court. I've called the sheriffs office three times already because I'm panicking. I hate having to put things in other peoples hands so they can screw it up for me. I can't let them drop this ball and cost me a day in court. I know they have things to do, but do they understand what it is to be afraid of someone? My car window has been bashed out and I'm still waiting for finger prints on that. Ed walked by my door the other night with his friend as they discussed "what happens to bitches like that". I want him to know its not ok to fuck with me. I want to know that the law is on my side in keeping me protected from him. No, he hasn't put a hand on me or directly said "I'm going to kill you" to my face. So does this mean I can get a restraining order against a Kodiak bear before I can get one in place to keep me safe from Ed?

I'm gonna have to work my way thru the elevator wrap. Poo. Not the answer I was wanting to hear from Dr. P, but I know she is right. She says I have to unhook the past from the present. I have to park the feelings that happen when I get to my low point. The anger and sadness and broken heart feeling. I keep all my tension in my chest, so I have to do deep breathing in response to that, and mentally park everything in a box that I visualize. I take a snapshot of my memory of coming too naked on my bed and put that in the mental "box" along with the crack I picture in my heart. I will have to do this every time I feel my emotions get rilled up and just breath and put them in the box. There is other stuff she showed me that I have to practice until it just becomes so easy to do, I will hardly have to think about it. We will go over the stuff in the "box" later, but for now it's just to help me disconnect from the past so things like a photographic image in an elevator don't set me off and then become a run away train of emotional wreck. I'm driving home and realize I'm starving. I'll eat everything in site and managed to hold off and make a huge dinner for me and N to share. I have to celebrate the DA meeting finally happening and no more eating restrictions for this girl. Well, not unhealthy stuff anyway. Besides, running up and down six flights of stairs for two days did this girls body right.

The sheriffs never served Ed. They said they made four attempts. I think they forgot I live in the same building. A light rapping on the door isn't exactly the "Sheriffs department, come to the door" I never heard. Coward. Why are you a sheriff if you’re scared. So you will now leave me in the last hours of having to serve because you just didn't want to do it the right way? And the worst part is, I would have never known until after the court date when I would have received a letter in the mail stating they couldn’t get him to answer the door. I already have a problem trusting someone with something important to not screw it up. Now look what you did. You completely screwed me over. A comes over to help keep me calm until my friend D shows up to do the serve. I’m so grateful to have someone help me. A says she will serve it, but I know Ed won’t try to take on D, he’s a really big guy. Ed refuses to answer the door even though he had just walked into his place a half hour earlier. He doesn’t even want to respond when D asks him if he’s dropping a deuce. Ed finally drags the paperwork the rest of the way under the door after D walks away, and the serve is done. I’m not losing a court date because someone else didn’t want to be bothered. Thank you God for amazing friends like these. I also have to warn D. I hadn’t told him what happened because I know he goes to the bar Naylor hangs out at. I told him about the journal that he is probably reading right now, and if so, thank you so much D and now you know how important this serve was to me. I hope I can help make the world a better place for your daughter too. Please don’t kill Naylor and take away my chance at justice from me, even though I know you probably want to.
That's the website of the process server who screwed me. The only action I have would be to sue him in small claims for the $50, is what the case worker at consumer affairs tells me. She can’t make it a full blown fraud case unless others are willing to report him for doing the same thing. Then she can have charges filled against him. Other wise, it’s a civil case for me and I would have to serve a guy I can't find. Feel free to email him at his public website address to tell him how you really feel about him.

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