Friday, May 18, 2012



It's easier as a victim to self blame. What could I have done differently, what if I had waited just ten more minutes before I left the office, what if? Then we don't report it because we feel somewhat responsible for our rape. Do you know why I think we do this? For a sense of control. When you are raped, you feel like control has been taken from you. So the only thing you can control is your part in this whole messed up situation. You blame yourself because it's the easiest way of getting some control back over your own life. I did the same thing. Which means letting the serial rapist walk away. This is always why the first thing a rape victim should hear is, it's not your fault. It's true, and you know it's true, but your processor wants to get stuck on "oh gee, I shouldn't have gone to the bar", so let's just drop the whole thing and walk away. Well don't. You think I don't know how hard it is to report a rape? Especially one that involves a bar? I went thru hell and almost killed myself because I couldn't get the people I needed to help me to listen. Not only did they not listen, they even tried to bully me out of pressing charges. I know it's a hard thing to do, but you have to stick up for yourself. At least for other victims so hopefully they wont ever have to know the shock and humiliation of what you went thru. Let's try this out. Just report it. Tell the cops off the bat, your not sure if you are willing to go to trial and everything involved, but I am willing to make a report. Do you know what this does to help the other victims who are willing to go to trial? It helps to prove we're not crazy, or mistaken, or lying. If I saw you being raped, or you saw me being raped, I would like to think we would do something to help each other to stop it. Isn't filling out a form kinda like doing that, only you don't have to directly take on a rapist?

I'm doing what I can to try and help make things easier for victims. I hope I can help put some fear in the 
bad detectives out there who for what ever reason don't do their job. Maybe I can put some hope in the good ones too, so they can keep doing their jobs right. No matter how you divide up a group of people, there are good people, and bad people. There are good detectives just as there are bad. I just happened to get the two worst. Of course they teamed up. They're assholes. That's what assholes do.

I have to call Mid Wilshire. Don't be suspicious or blame the new detective, my advocate tells me. She can sit in a meeting with me and my detective. A friend can not in case they become a future witness. They don't want to taint any witnesses. My advocate can be present at any time in my case. She reminds me I have to get out of fight mode and go into a lower gear. Make sure I am getting a fair investigation, but don't be suspicious or have my guard up with the new detectives. Be friendly and be willing to work with them. Yeah. This is something I will have to work on. I already feel my heart race when I call the station to leave her a message. Thank you for calling MW  station. For vehicle registration violations and sex crimes units. Really? Am I really lumped in with vehicle registration violations. Well, I guess I can pay off my parking tickets and report a rape all in one stop. How convenient.

I leave her a message that I would like to meet up with her and my advocate and discuss the case and what they can tell me of what will be presented to the DA. Plus I just really want to know what she looks like. And if the other detectives at this place hate me, or like me, or are indifferent to me for publishing a journal on how bad two of them were. I know I'm pulling in emotions about this, but I am a woman. I know rationally, we should all be operating under getting a job done, but do they hate me for what I did? Maybe they won't. Maybe the other detectives didn't like these two guys either and are happy someone finally said something. Maybe they don't give two dueces one way or the other.

I will have to deal with walking into that station again. I need information on what is going on around me and what is being presented to the DA. My advocate is concerned if there hasn't been any new information gathered, that the DA will just be presented with the same info from Det. T. I have to think someone at least did a background check on Naylor by this point, but like anything important in life, I can't assume anyone is doing anything. I have to know. Which means I will have to walk back into that station, and be friendly. Oh Lord that is going to probably be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I leave Det. P a message that I want to meet, and what times are good for my advocate, and that I am looking forward to meeting with her, and hopefully she can put in a good word for victims fund in case Det. T didn't.

I have to wait a week for the new toxicology results. I try to not think about it and all the emotions attached to it. All the what ifs. What a relief it would be if they find it. What if I metabolized it all and they don't find anything? Can I still get him on a rape charge based on all the other evidence? If so, how do I deal with going to court? How long would he get?
I can't let myself put all this pressure on these results. I did that before, and it didn't matter what they said about the results. I know I was drugged and raped. Now I just have to be able to prove it to a jury. Of course it would help to have the drug results prove I was drugged, but these predators are using a drug that is hard to find. That's the whole point of using them. I can't think about the test results or I will drive myself insane. I realized that strength isn't about not losing your mind in the first place, it's about getting it back after you do. A woman was grabbed at 8 am walking her dog in a busy location and the man tried to rape her. Some guys pulled him off and held him for police to come get him. I hope they threw in a couple of gut punches for good measure. My friend C says women will have to be more careful in the area. No, I argue back, it's about time more rapists got scared. There is nothing wrong with walking a dog at 8 in the morning. This is the view we have to change. No more, what can a woman do differently. How's about what can WE do to get more rapists off of the streets?

Finances are tight after having to pay rent and replacing a broken window on the same paycheck. My throat has been hurting for a couple of days and tomorrow I will go to the same ER I was in when I tried to kill myself. I wonder if anyone will remember me. I don't remember any of them. I will probably have just enough money left over to buy medicine. I will just have to ask the ER to send me a bill for my copay. What's another hospital bill now anyways? I haven't actually seen a bill yet except one for the ER from the attempt. It said I didn't owe anything. That's probably because I was admitted so my insurance forgives the ER copay in lieu of a larger hospitalized copay. Either way, it's gonna be a minute before it gets paid. I still haven't been able to get an advocate for my victims fund, even though the paperwork has already been submitted.  I went to the address in San Fernando. It was the courthouse. It took almost an hour to get up there, and after parking in the lot, the attendant decided to keep trying to hit on me. There is something creepy about a guy who wants to keep repeating the word "beautiful". "Come on beautiful". I tell him to stop. He backs off. The word beautiful might be a compliment, saying it over and over with a little too much enthusiasm is just plain gross. I finally find the room on the address. It's the DAs office. The advocate is out and I would have to wait for her to get back from lunch in a half hour or so. I waited. It wasn't an office like I thought it would be. Apparently there aren't just offices you can walk into. It's only police stations or DAs offices in courthouses. There is a little boy in the waiting room there with his guardians. The DA is going over what to expect on the stand. That's one brave kid. I have no idea what he has been thru, but he has a lot of heart and courage to take the stand for it. The people file back in from lunch. The new receptionist tells me the advocate is busy, she has a fund raiser to go to and she won't see me today. I have to call and make an appointment. She slides the post it note under the glass and won't even make eye contact with me. I'm furious they told me to wait for her to get back from lunch, but I have to learn to control my emotions. I want to bash my hand on the glass until she looks up at me, but there is a kid in the waiting room who has probably already been thru enough. I go outside and call her. I'm crying as I explain that I am not emotionally ready to walk into a police station and I need her help with advocating me for victims fund. She will never call me back. I cried the whole way home. Not just from this, but from a lot of stuff. I think it's my processor coming back.

Ultimately, it would be best to talk to the advocate at the Hollywood station. I know that. But, after so much overwhelming help from these people, Im just exhausted from yet another fight. These people are supposed to be here to help victims. I guess they have never been a victim, or know what real help means. It means not just saying no, or dumping cases, or asking someone else to do your job for you. It means making things happen for them the way you would want help for yourself if you were in this situation. It's really not a hard concept, but I guess it is for some people. I'm supposed to be working on not alienating people. Who am I alienating here anyway? A group of people that have done nothing to help me? Oh no. How do I write in "eye roll" ? Guess I just did. I guess I will just have to keep advocating for myself. Besides, how am I going to get the police department to say "yes, we bullied her to the point she tried to commit suicide, so go ahead and cover the therapy for that as well as the hospital bills from the suicide attempt itself." I wouldn't have tried to kill myself if the bullying didn't happen. Not to mention just dealing with victims fund should create a whole new category of victim in itself.

At least left overs from shoots at the studio is keeping my stomach full.

When I go to the ER, it's strep throat. $100 co pay that I can't afford. Can't you pay now, they ask. How do I explain I have $40 to cover meds and left overs from the studio shoots to cover lunch. I get the generic for the Z pac at the pharmacy. Insurance will only help get a discount on three pills. If I drive back in two days, I can get a refill and a discount on the last two pills. Otherwise it's my last $40. Insurance doesn't want to help me discount all five pills at once. They are hoping I will only take three and not make it back out for the other two. This will save them ten dollars. I don't have the gas to make it back out. Pharmacist serve as the bridge between hospital and affordable medicine. The guy helping me and another guy he works with poetically discuss billing terminology in an intricate dance of discounts and secret codes and voila - I walk out with all the meds and $11. They were amazing. They shouldn't have to do this, but it is the last refuge of reason when dealing with insurance and meds. Honestly, I hope Obama care does happen for one reason only. It will piss off the insurance companies to no end. Then you know what, I'm all for it. Start shaking the money out of their pockets, and let's see what we get. I'm tired of this crap.

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