I have to call Mid Wilshire. Don't be suspicious or blame the new detective, my advocate tells me. She can sit in a meeting with me and my detective. A friend can not in case they become a future witness. They don't want to taint any witnesses. My advocate can be present at any time in my case. She reminds me I have to get out of fight mode and go into a lower gear. Make sure I am getting a fair investigation, but don't be suspicious or have my guard up with the new detectives. Be friendly and be willing to work with them. Yeah. This is something I will have to work on. I already feel my heart race when I call the station to leave her a message. Thank you for calling MW station. For vehicle registration violations and sex crimes units. Really? Am I really lumped in with vehicle registration violations. Well, I guess I can pay off my parking tickets and report a rape all in one stop. How convenient.
I have to wait a week for the new toxicology results. I try to not think about it and all the emotions attached to it. All the what ifs. What a relief it would be if they find it. What if I metabolized it all and they don't find anything? Can I still get him on a rape charge based on all the other evidence? If so, how do I deal with going to court? How long would he get?
I can't let myself put all this pressure on these results. I did that before, and it didn't matter what they said about the results. I know I was drugged and raped. Now I just have to be able to prove it to a jury. Of course it would help to have the drug results prove I was drugged, but these predators are using a drug that is hard to find. That's the whole point of using them. I can't think about the test results or I will drive myself insane. I realized that strength isn't about not losing your mind in the first place, it's about getting it back after you do. A woman was grabbed at 8 am walking her dog in a busy location and the man tried to rape her. Some guys pulled him off and held him for police to come get him. I hope they threw in a couple of gut punches for good measure. My friend C says women will have to be more careful in the area. No, I argue back, it's about time more rapists got scared. There is nothing wrong with walking a dog at 8 in the morning. This is the view we have to change. No more, what can a woman do differently. How's about what can WE do to get more rapists off of the streets?
Finances are tight after having to pay rent and replacing a broken window on the same paycheck. My throat has been hurting for a couple of days and tomorrow I will go to the same ER I was in when I tried to kill myself. I wonder if anyone will remember me. I don't remember any of them. I will probably have just enough money left over to buy medicine. I will just have to ask the ER to send me a bill for my copay. What's another hospital bill now anyways? I haven't actually seen a bill yet except one for the ER from the attempt. It said I didn't owe anything. That's probably because I was admitted so my insurance forgives the ER copay in lieu of a larger hospitalized copay. Either way, it's gonna be a minute before it gets paid. I still haven't been able to get an advocate for my victims fund, even though the paperwork has already been submitted. I went to the address in San Fernando. It was the courthouse. It took almost an hour to get up there, and after parking in the lot, the attendant decided to keep trying to hit on me. There is something creepy about a guy who wants to keep repeating the word "beautiful". "Come on beautiful". I tell him to stop. He backs off. The word beautiful might be a compliment, saying it over and over with a little too much enthusiasm is just plain gross. I finally find the room on the address. It's the DAs office. The advocate is out and I would have to wait for her to get back from lunch in a half hour or so. I waited. It wasn't an office like I thought it would be. Apparently there aren't just offices you can walk into. It's only police stations or DAs offices in courthouses. There is a little boy in the waiting room there with his guardians. The DA is going over what to expect on the stand. That's one brave kid. I have no idea what he has been thru, but he has a lot of heart and courage to take the stand for it. The people file back in from lunch. The new receptionist tells me the advocate is busy, she has a fund raiser to go to and she won't see me today. I have to call and make an appointment. She slides the post it note under the glass and won't even make eye contact with me. I'm furious they told me to wait for her to get back from lunch, but I have to learn to control my emotions. I want to bash my hand on the glass until she looks up at me, but there is a kid in the waiting room who has probably already been thru enough. I go outside and call her. I'm crying as I explain that I am not emotionally ready to walk into a police station and I need her help with advocating me for victims fund. She will never call me back. I cried the whole way home. Not just from this, but from a lot of stuff. I think it's my processor coming back.