She was the one on the phone with me when I tried to kill myself. I honestly don't remember. I barely remember T walking in the door.
She was the one who gained back my trust and in a lot of ways helped me to learn to trust people again as a whole.
For what ever reason I have always been raised to be aware of my surroundings, and I have always been aware of what I felt. A warned me of acute sadness, and her leaving has only compounded it. I feel like my knees have been cut out from under me. I'm starting to dislike food. I start to eat, then I just feel gross for eating. It's worse than just loosing my appetite. I am well aware this is bad. What else can I drag into the pile of screwed up? Now an eating disorder? Today was a bowl of rice cereal, half a chicken Caesar wrap, and four chicken hot wings. I hate myself for the cereal. It was unnecessary in my eyes. I know that is wrong. I'm not sure which part of me knows, my brain or my heart, but something in me knows I'm just trying to gain control. There is so much I can't know of what's going on around me, what's involving me, and the stress of so much unknown. I don't have control over shit in my life. Now I'm loosing A. God this sucks. I have to be stronger than this. I have to be rational. She's not dead for God sakes. She's just not working at the center anymore is all. I need to reel this crazy train back in. I need to get myself eating again instead of a strangle hold on food. I'm just not hungry. I just want to curl up in my bed until all this shit passes. I want to be able to stick my head out of my sheets and my life is back. None of this crazy shit has happened. It was all a bad dream. Ed and Naylor never did what they did to me. There were never courtrooms, or detectives, or rape centers. I will never know what kind of a person Ed is, or know a broken heart from loosing A at the center because I never met her. I was never betrayed, or let down, or kicked around, or raped. I constantly dream about what it would be like to just wake up and none of it happened. Then I picture trying to hang out with Ed again, and it creeps in. The knowledge that the sight of him fills me with rage and I want to vomit all at the same time. Naylor makes me freeze and turn my head and ball up my fists in anger and hatred. I can't undo what had happened. Even deep in that space in my mind. Even in the safe space of my brain, they have violated and my life will never be the same again. I just need to breath and eat.
Deuteronomy 22 - if a virgin is raped in the countryside, do nothing to her as she has done nothing wrong. If a virgin is raped in a city, and fails to cry out, stone her to death as she did nothing to protect herself.
It should read "Should a woman cry out rape, a tire iron shall be given to her and she shall beat the one who raped her. If she beats him to death, she was not lying and do nothing. If she can not beat him to death, take the tire iron away from her and make her to apologize in public". Isn't that the reversal of what it says? When do victims get to do something wrong and run away free and clear for it like we let rapists do now?
"You will have to go back downstairs and fill out the paperwork all over again". The bailiff from the same courtroom is looking me squarely in the face. He doesn't remember me, or if he does, he isn't showing it. I remind him how he told me if anything changed to come right back to this courtroom. Well if things have changed, it's a new restraining order. I want to cry already.
The really nice auto detective told me to not wait on the fingerprinting. It's so backed up, it could be months before I find out the results. I'm not going to wait months for Ed to do something to me. I went back to the same courtroom I tried to kill myself after the last time. I had a silly day dream that this bailiff would remember me and help me. He doesn't.
I'm so sick of this shit. I really am.
narcis·sist (noun) A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.
At the best and most basic, this will describe most rapists and drug addicts. At the worst with a rapist, it will become someone who is psychopathic. The ones who torture a woman before they rape them. There are three kinds of rapist categories that I came across and it seems to make sense for a shortened version of rapist 101. Angry, power, and sadistic. With all three of these, they are all narcissistic. It's always all about them. In my last visit with A today, (who by the way has given me a link to stay in contact with her so I don't feel so put out with her leaving), we discussed this personality sign. Stay away from narcissistic people since they lack empathy for other people and are guaranteed to leave you in a bad spot in life. Drug addicts are also narcissistic. They only care about themselves and their next high. Watch out for narcissists in life and don't let them close to you. I can guarantee it will only end badly.
I also had to talk about being jumpy. In the brain of anyone dealing with some serious trauma there is a....ummmm.....there is a specific part of your brain that gets turned on. I can't remember what the part is called, but it puts you in high alert mode. A shadow goes by me when I'm doing dishes and I jump. I have to remind myself it's just a bird flying by. Naylor isn't able to levitate to my second story window. He's not a fucking magician. I have to rationalize with myself. Identify what is making me freak out and realize if it's really a problem or not. I have a hard time taking showers. It's a vulnerable thing to take a shower. Your totally naked. I have to check all the locks on my door before I shower. Luckily I had a dream long before any of this started. I dreamt I was taking a bath and some guy walked into my bathroom with a piece of wire between his two hands to strangle me with. I threw a bunch of bath water in his face and then beat him with the shower rod. It helped me to have a plan because of this dream. If your a victim and your having a hard time with something you need to deal with, then do the same thing. Come up with a weapon and a plan. A shower nozzle in the eyes is a weapon and will blind them long enough to hit them and get help. The bottom line is, you shouldn't have to be scared of your own shower or shadow. That part of the brain is just the alarm going off. It's also making me suspicious of guys around me. I have to push past that. I know I was betrayed by one man who I thought was a friend, but I can't blame all men in my life for it. The guys I work with would never hurt me and are not a threat. Neither is N, my neighbor and friend, but part of my brain is having a hard time with this. It wants me to see all men around me as a threat and I can't let that happen.
So I was as blind to Ed being an addict as he was blind to me being raped. I like my new psychologist. She is tough, but she is good. That's a hard pill to swallow. Of course he lied to himself, me, and the police, because other wise he would have to accept responsibility to the fact he failed me and allowed me to be raped.
Naylor is a control rapist. He rapes to feel control because he lacks control elsewhere in his life and probably has for a long time. He was this way long before he ran into me.
The bottom line is, honestly, none of this shit is about me. All of these men were fucked up long before I got here. All their crap cumulated on me, but this whole situation is honestly not about me. How's that for a mind fuck? It's about a narcissistic drug addict who can't take responsibility for his life, even to the point he screws over the things he loves. It's about a rapist who feels no control and has to rape women to get off and assert himself because he is a pathetic fucked up looser otherwise. It's about two burned out detectives who turned a job protecting people into a game of "teach the lying bitch a lesson", because of the women who cry rape that weren't, as the only way they have control in this world. It's all about them and their failures, and them failing me. It wasn't even about me to begin with. Talk about a messed up processor. I guess deep down somewhere in me I knew all this. It just takes hearing it from someone else and having your anger diffused before it hits home. I don't want my anger diffused. I don't want to be understanding of these mother fuckers. I want to hate them all with a blind rage. For me, it is all about me and fuck them.